Thursday, October 24, 2013

0-4 (or The Canvas, Part II)

One day after my BFP(s), my beta hcg at 14 DPO was only 17...very low for 4 weeks of pregnancy.  Still, we held onto hope, knowing that the base hcg number was not necessarily predictive of pregnancy loss, as long as the number continued to steadily rise and doubled approximately every 48 to 72 hours.   My beta hcg yesterday (16 DPO, just shy of 48 hours from the first draw) was 20.  I was crushed...I had so hoped that this was our miracle baby.
The nurse at the doctor's office ordered blood work for tomorrow, simply to make sure that my levels are going down. She/they hold no hope of this pregnancy being viable, and my husband and I are devastated. He shared with me last night how a little part of him is hoping that my blood work tomorrow shows a huge jump in hcg, but I don't know that I share the same hope.   I'm cramping some today, but no bleeding yet.  Maybe the lack of bleeding isn't surprising since I am on prometrium. 
It is so hard to live in limbo...I am not getting anything done except feeling sad and crying. Which, my counselor yesterday reprimanded me for because "it isn't good for the baby". That really hurt my feelings, considering I had spent 20 minutes explaining to her what we were dealing with and that there likely isn't a baby. 
This is such a roller coaster--we started this TWW with such high hopes, and got the BFP we had longed to see for a year.  It was so perfect, too perfect apparently.  The clinical name for what we are experiencing is most likely a "chemical pregnancy"...I wish I could be that detached from this loss as that name implies.  I know that in a few days, I will feel optimistic again about our trying again, but today I just feel disheartened and doubt that I will ever know what it feels like to get a BPF and have the pregnancy stick.  I know that is overly negative, but getting my hopes up month after month has exhausted me, taught me to be careful with my optimism, and that for me, it is more likely that the pregnancy will fail than it will succeed.  I am 0-4.

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