Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Canvas

I am approximately 13 dpo (days past ovulation) today and this two week wait (tww) has been so very hard.  I've lain awake at night, staring at my Fertility Friend app on my cell phone, counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test.  Fertility Friend said I should test on Tuesday, the 22nd, because that is when my period is predicted to arrive.  I read the very informative article that gives stats on how taking tests before the expected period date often result in negatives and false negatives.  I tried to wait, I really did, but I'll be honest:  I broke down and tested yesterday (and, well, the day before that as well) and both were negative.  Negatives aside, I've had a number of strange symptoms over the past two days that are abnormal for me.   Namely, shooting pains in my lower pelvis, shooting pains in my breasts, and bleeding gums while brushing my teeth this morning.  Simply stated, I just "felt pregnant" (although a part of me was afraid I was making up the feeling as an excuse to test).  TWW-induced schizophrenia notwithstanding, I decided to test late this afternoon.  My loving husband watched me pee in the cup (just another facet of my romantic nature, ha!), dip the First Response Early Result test in said urine for a count of 5 seconds precisely and carefully cap and lay it on the bathroom counter.  He checked his watch for a start time and we both hovered over the test, united in anticipation of the results.  

I saw it first, a light pink line in the space that had always in months past been snow white; a pink line in the canvas that holds so much power of the two of us.  I looked at my husband, hugged him, and we went back to staring at the test, random comments being tossed out: "Yep, it is definitely a line"and "Yeah, and it is pink, not gray, so I don't think it is an evap line...and "Let's take it outside and look at in the sun, just to make sure!"  And the pink line stayed pink, and in the sunshine, my husband hugged me and said, "We're pregnant."

Two little words that carry so much wait.  I'm excited, but I'm frankly terrified.  What if when I temp in the morning, my temp has dropped below the cover line and I know that that this is a chemical pregnancy and AF is on her way?  What if my temp stays elevated, but the line is lighter, not darker?  So many questions, so many "what ifs".  I want so much to just enjoy the sheer joy that should come with a positive pregnancy test (or two, since I immediately took a second to make sure) without worrying whether this time will be the time we get our baby, or if we will again be saddened by loss.  But for tonight, I am trying really hard to just focus on the fact that the tests are positive and hoping so much for a happy and health pregnancy.

To Be Continued...

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